Back to work after maternity leave

I went back to work on Wednesday.  I knew it was going to be hard.  I tried not to think much about it in the days leading up to the end of my maternity leave, but I’d occasionally get teary while I was sitting on the couch holding Jenson if it popped into my head.  But then Tuesday happened, and reality started to sink in.  I did okay during the day – a little choked up here and there…and then it got dark and closer to his bedtime, which signified just how little of my last free day with him was left.  And I was devastated.  I cried pretty much all evening.  Not a sobbing, can’t-function cry, but there were tears running down my face the whole night and I had no idea how I’d face the next day.  I kept busy and delayed going to bed as long as I could, and finally went to bed around midnight.  I was so selfish in my grief that I didn’t even realize how this change affected Lo too until late in the workday.  Since he’s been back to work for several weeks, I was just thinking it was another day for him.  But he wasn’t leaving him with me this time – and it’s the first time we left him with anyone other than our own moms (and for only 3 hours).  So it was really hard on him too – and he knowing he couldn’t do anything to make me feel better wasn’t easy either.  I’m not much of a crier, so I’m sure it makes it that much more difficult when he knows I’m that upset.

I know I didn’t need to worry – we have a great childcare provider – my friend’s mother-in-law comes to our house and also watches their 14 month old (her grandson).  Besides being a mother to 2 boys herself and watching her grandson for the last year, she has a background working at preschools and such.  So she’s completely qualified and a good person, but she’s not me – and what if he needs me?!  In the back of my mind, I know he doesn’t need me 24 hours a day, and it’s such a good situation for him (hello, built-in best friend with Braxton), but I feel like I need him 24 hours a day.  And returning to work means I’m with him MUCH less than 24 hours a day.  We only get to spend 3-4 hours with him the in evening by the time we get home – and that’s if he goes to bed late.  That just doesn’t seem fair…because there are other things in the evening that will pull our attention away from him, like making dinner, laundry, and things that come up.  I know time spent together is quality versus quantity, and we still have weekends and days off work, but that doesn’t make it easier.  Keep in mind that we are people who used to webcam our dog every time we left the house – not because we needed to (she lays in the same spot 95% of her day), but because we just liked to see her.  We don’t anymore, because we wouldn’t want ML to think we are trying to keep an eye on her, and since there’s someone in the house with Boof during the day, we really don’t have an excuse to webcam her just because we like to see her (but she’s so cute!).  But regardless, we realize how fortunate our childcare situation is, and I can’t imagine how much harder it would  have been if I had to drop him off with a stranger or at a daycare where I don’t know anything about the employees.

So now I know what it feels like to be heartbroken for almost 11 hours a day while I’m away from him.  She sends pictures and has encouraged me to call and text anytime (I do, but try to keep it to a minimum because she’s busy with the boys), but I want to hold him and nurse him during the day too.  Lo said I could stop working and we could probably pay our bills, but maybe not buy groceries.  He was joking and maybe someday I will be able to stay home, but now is not the time.  And I have a really good job that would be hard to match if/when I went back to work.  I’m not angry about having to work, I’m just sad that I can’t be with him.  But I have to remember that it’ll be good for him to also be with someone other than us – he’ll learn and do things we may not think of, and everyday will be like a play date for Braxton and him.  But it just doesn’t make it hurt less.  Some people would never consider or enjoy staying home with their children and can’t wait to get back to work (and that is perfectly fine and they miss their kids too), but I’m not someone who was dying to get back to work, so that made it a little harder.

Some people say it will get easier, some say it won’t.  It’s not as devastating as Tuesday night was, of course – that was the unknown. But I miss nursing him all day, at how smiley he is when he first wakes up for the day, watching him play on his playmat, taking tons of pictures with the natural light of the day streaming in, carrying him around the house while I do chores here and there, running errands and shopping with him, and just holding him for as long as I want while he sleeps or sucks on his pacifier just staring up at me.

I’ll survive and get back into a routine, and I’ll just have to cherish the time that I do get with him even more.